Unlocked

Be warned, I’m about to do something that I’ve never done before, and it may come across as a bit awkward. I hope you can bear with me on this one.

This post is dedicated to all of the family and friends that I have locked out of my life over the years. I wasted a lot of energy trying to keep people away from me because I didn’t want to admit I was “disabled”. I was humiliated by the fact that I couldn’t always do the things that others take for granted. I have had days where the pain was so bad that I physically couldn’t get out of bed, days when walking the dog was a daunting task, and days when I couldn’t think clearly enough to load the dishwasher. I wanted to pretend that everything was fine, that I was perfectly normal, that I stopped working by choice, rather than inability. In order to keep up those appearances, I distanced myself from nearly everyone. I am able to admit this now not because my abilities have changed, but because I am starting to accept that for me, these issues are a fact of life.

I have pushed some people so far away from myself that “no more hiding” isn’t enough. In order begin making amends, I am not only inviting you, I would like to welcome you back into my life. I want to introduce you to the “real” me, not just the shadow person I allowed you to see. In my isolation, I found creativity and a strength that I didn’t even know I had; I want to share these things with all of you.

I understand that for some of you, it’s too late. I pushed too hard for too long and that you have given up on me entirely. For those that remain, I hope you can forgive me for allowing myself to become such an isolated hermit. I know this is not going to be an easy road to travel, but I do not ever want to that person again. Starting now, I am opening the doors and throwing away the key.