Writing my way through a rough day…

Dear World-

I’m writing today to inform you that I am done playing your games. I am going to play my own game, by my own rules.

I am tired. I am tired of being made to feel like I’m not good enough for you. I’m sick of feeling like I’m being measured by your standards and coming up short. I’m not happy enough, I’m not thin enough, I have a terrible temper, I have an invisible, incurable disease… my imperfections are many, and you’ve never let me forget a single one.

I feel like every time I try to pull myself up, to better myself, you are compelled to trample me. You hold the ideals of what I aspire to be against me to show me what I am not. You push every button, gouge every wound and grind away at me until I slip back into old habits, thus giving you “proof” that I have not changed.

Change is not easy. It does not happen overnight. It is a process, a slow, grueling climb up a slippery slope. Before you judge me on how slow my progress is, why don’t you try to make some changes in yourself and see how they go?

I have finally realized why you insist on putting me down. You’re afraid of what I might become. You’re afraid that I might actually become the phoenix and rise from my ashes as something more brilliant than even your so called “standards”. What then? What would you do if I surpassed everything that you’ve used to measure me with?

That being said, I’m done allowing things outside of my control to control me. I’m not going to allow you to make me feel worthless or miserable any longer.

I am not perfect and I admit it freely, but I know now that I am not the worthless creature you would have me believe I am. I know now that I am the only thing keeping myself from being happy. No one else can make me happy, and no one else can truly take my happiness away, unless I allow them to.

I may forget it occasionally, but deep down, I know that I am a truly amazing person. I have been brought down, kicked and trampled, yet I keep fighting. I keep getting back up. I may be down, but I’m not out.

I don’t need you to remind me of my imperfections, I keep the list handy so that I have clear goals to focus on. True, I may not be able to “fix” all of them, but perhaps I can at least find a way to make them less noticeable.

Take my temper, for instance: I will probably always have a “passionate” streak, but I don’t have to give in to it every time it rears its head. Perhaps I can even find a way to put it to some constructive use. The important thing is, I know it’s an issue, and I’m not letting it continue unchecked.

Feel free to hang on to your little list of my imperfections, I’m sure at some point, when you need a pick me up, you’ll be able to look at it and it will make you feel better about yourself. As for me, I’m going to continue to keep it nearby, but I think I’ll focus more on my better qualities:

I am:
– a fighter
– loyal
– caring/loving
– strong
– intelligent
– passionate
– creative
– an excellent cook
– compassionate
– honest
– courageous
– persistent

 
You may choose to overlook these qualities because you feel that they aren’t good enough to make up for my “lesser” traits, that’s your prerogative. I, on the other hand, am quite proud of these and plan to make the most of them.

Albert Einstein once said, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid”. You may judge me against whatever standards you wish, it makes no difference to me, as I know exactly what I am and what I am not.

It is human nature to want to feel accepted and appreciated, and I won’t deny that I do want your approval. However, I do not need it. It is not vital to my life, it would just be nice to have.

Sincerely,
Christina

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