Struggling

Have you ever used a visualization to help you get through something difficult?

For instance, over the last few months, when I’ve found myself struggling with training for the 5k, I’ve been visualizing myself crossing the finish line as a way to motivate myself to keep going. When I felt like I simply couldn’t jog another step, that image of myself crossing the finish line with my loved ones there waiting for me kept me going. It’s helped me get myself out of the house and even helped me get out of bed some mornings. I’ve found this simple tactic to be amazingly helpful and have even been using other visualizations to help me with other goals.

There is, however a downside. The 5k I’ve been training for is next weekend and just yesterday, that image that I’ve had running through my head for the last 5 months got ripped apart. I’m still going to cross the finish line, but someone very important to me will not be there to see it, and not because they’re unable to. I know that in the grand scheme of things this truly isn’t a big deal, but it’s just one more dream that’s been flushed down the toilet. To be perfectly honest, I don’t even want to do the 5k anymore. I’ve been holding on to my little vision for so long that I don’t even know how to continue without it. It doesn’t help that I’m absolutely exhausted; the fatigue issues I wrote about last week seem to have gotten worse.

Nothing that I have tried has helped. I’ve adjusted my sleep schedule, tried taking my night-time meds earlier, changed my diet, adjusted the vitamins I take, cut back on my workouts… I’m at a loss. Not only do I not have the energy to run this thing, I feel like my motivation is gone as well. The pain was a cake walk compared to this. I can work around pain, but how do you work around being completely exhausted all the time? It takes energy to work, to fight, and I’m running seriously low at this point. Caffeine/energy drinks don’t work, naps are no help at all and what little sleep I do manage to get is ineffective.

I’m really not trying to have a pity party, I just feel so lost right now and I figure writing about it is better than hiding in bed. I’ve tried talking about it, but unless someone has actually dealt with this kind of problem before, they just can’t understand. I’m sick of people telling me to “go take a nap” or to “drink some coffee”, so I just stopped talking about it altogether.

I usually try to end my posts on a positive note, but I’m having a hard time finding one right now. The best I can say is that despite my current feelings, I will be doing the 5k next Sunday, even if I have to walk the entire thing. I won’t let one person screw up all of my hard work and I’m betting that my bestie will kick my butt if I try to back out, (I love you, Heather! I really do!).

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Niki
    Oct 13, 2013 @ 18:22:09

    Gentle hugs, i know what you are saying, It is hard when our spirit wants to but our body is giving every sign that it can’t or doesn’t want to… Or we had our mind set on how it would be, who what where would be there. Ask yourself why you wanted to run this race? Was it for you? If the answer is yes than go for it, do a mental check list of what it could be holding you back. If the answer is no, then maybe you need to think about if it is worth it. With this being said with chronic illness we also need to listen to what our body is telling us.. Sometimes fatigue and pain are there for a reason. Some warning to pay attention to. Or might it be what my daughter calls runners jitters, you have that moment in your head but something happens and messes with your motivation. She gives herself a day off to regroup, goes and does something other than run and train. This gets her out of the funk she is in. I hope this not coming off as pushy advice because not wanting it to be. We have to give up so much when our bodies act out, make sure you are getting a slice of life in that moment just for you. Always Niki

    Reply

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