Impossible things

I slept terribly last night. Once I finally fell asleep, (some time after 3 am), I had bizarre dreams and kept waking up to change positions. Bleh.

I’ve had a nagging headache for the last three days. Not a migraine, thankfully, but not the kind of headache I can just ignore either. It feels like there are evil little gnomes running metal rakes down the inside of my skull. I’ve tried just about everything in my arsenal, but nothing has helped. When I woke up this morning, the headache was there to greet me, and I immediately knew that I was missing more than a few spoons. (I’m not crazy, read The Spoon Theory and it will all make sense.)

As I lay there staring at my ceiling, looking for any excuse to delay getting out of bed, a scene from Alice in Wonderland, (the Tim Burton movie version), popped into my head. It was the beginning of the battle scene at the end of the movie, where Alice tells the Mad Hatter “Sometimes I believe in as many as six impossible things before breakfast”. That got me to thinking, if Alice can summon up the courage to fight the Jabberwocky by believing in impossible things, maybe I could use the same trick to face the day…

Here’s what I came up with:

1.) Cookies for breakfast can be good for you.

2.) I can jog for a solid half mile without dying.

3.) I just donated all of my size 12 jeans because they were too big.

4.) Funny cat pictures can make anything better.

5.) Happiness is a choice.

6.) Even with this headache, I can get up and have a good day.

By the time I got to number 6, I was feeling much better. If you had handed me this list even six months ago, I’d have marked everything off as completely impossible. Simply knowing that they are all not just possible, but now part of my reality gives me more than enough strength to make sure today is a good one. The headache is still with me, but I’m not going to let it ruin my entire day, just writing this post is proof that I can still be productive. Am I going to go out and get groceries or clean the whole house? No, I’m not; however,  I’m not going to lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself either. 🙂

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Breaking the silence

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I’ve been silent for too long. Somehow, amidst all the changes I’ve been making in my life, I managed to slide back into my old habit of silence. I’ve never been very good at talking to people; I hate letting others see my emotions, the messy ones, at least. I’m ok with sharing happiness and laughter, but when it comes to pain and tears, I’d much rather deal with them on my own. The problem with this is that I tend to get stuck in an endless loop of misery. The fibro provides its own seemingly endless cycle of misery, I don’t need to add to it by being depressed.

I imagine that just about anyone with a chronic illness/condition knows how easy it is to slip into a self-imposed solitary confinement. It’s so very easy to forget that you’re not alone, especially when being social takes so much effort. I’ve never been a social butterfly, even before the fibro came into my life, it took a lot of energy for me to be around people, especially people I don’t know very well. Having fibromyalgia makes it so much harder, being sociable, even with those closest to me takes up  a lot of spoons. Add in a few negative emotions and it’s just a downward spiral.

So… here I am, attempting to ward off any impending depression by breaking my silence. Despite the fact that I have family and friends who love me and who would do just about anything for me, I feel alone. It’s not that I’m in pain, in fact, my pain is the lowest it’s been in years. It’s not altogether gone, but having spent the last few years living with a daily pain level of 7/10 or higher, my current average of 3/10 is practically paradise. I should be ecstatic. Yet, here I am, feeling overwhelmed and bordering on depressed.

I’ll be honest, I don’t want to discuss most of the reasons that I’m feeling this way. I’m just not ready to put everything on display, I may never be. Talking about my experiences with fibro and life in general is one thing, but for now, everything else will remain behind the curtain. The important thing is that I do know (mostly), why I feel the way I do right now, and I really am trying to fix what I can and come to terms with what I can’t fix.

Why bother posting about it all if I’m not going to explain it? Because I can still write about how I’m feeling, even if I don’t want to explain why I’m feeling it. I know, it’s kind of like showing someone a mystery box and saying “do not open!”, which for some, is just about the meanest thing I could do. Being an overly curious person myself, I know how annoying that is, and I do apologize.

On the upside, writing this has made me feel a little bit better, and I’m reminded of why I started writing this blog in the first place. Holding all of these crappy feelings in is part of the reason my life got out of control to begin with; if I had just been brave enough to talk to someone, I probably wouldn’t have ended up in that dark place where I was contemplating suicide. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, I will NEVER go back to that place ever again.

Positive thinking may not cure the fibro, but it will keep me alive :). In the words my favorite cartoon fish: “Just keep swimming”.

The Spoon Theory

This has got to be the most amazingly accurate and easy to understand explanation of what it’s like to live with illness/disability. A must read!

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