Where’d my spoons go?

I am so exhausted lately that I feel like I can barely function. I can’t explain why I’m so tired; I’m sleeping better than ever, but my batteries are just not re-charging. I’ve always had an issue with energy levels and poor sleep; I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome around the same time they diagnosed the Fibromyalgia. Most of the time I can manage, but then I get stuck in these cycles of exhaustion and I start to wonder why I even bother fighting it. All I want to do anymore is sleep. I can get 8, 9, even 10 solid hours of sleep and I still wake up feeling like I’ve been up for 48 hours straight. Before I got off the medications, the answer was to simply throw more pills at the problem until something worked. Now that I’m off of them, I don’t have any choice but to push through it. 

It’s not depression. Aside from being tired, (and frustrated from being constantly fatigued), I’m happier than I have ever been; no dark thoughts, no mood swings, no appetite changes… It’s also not a Fibromyalgia flare up. I’m not pain free, but the pain is intermittent and mostly manageable. Somehow, I’m still managing to go to the gym and workout, but anything outside of my normal routine is just not happening right now. Every day, I am counting and recounting my spoons like a miser because I just can’t be sure I’ll be able to do the things I need to do. I am not normally the kind of person who plans their days, but lately I don’t have a choice. As it is, I’m having more trouble focusing on tasks, I’m constantly forgetting things and I can’t sit still for very long without nodding off, which is not only immensely annoying, but makes things like driving very difficult. I find myself getting grumpy for no good reason and I hate it. 

This particular cycle of exhaustion has been going on for at least 2-3 weeks now and there’s no end in sight. It’s wearing me down, it may not feel like this is a depressive episode now, but I worry that I’m heading that way. Getting out of bed in the morning is a chore. Going to the gym is getting harder and harder. The important thing is, I am still going. I’m still working through the Couch to 5k program and I’ve started lifting weights. It takes a dose of pre workout and usually a cup of coffee, but in the end, it’s worth it. I know that if I stop now, it will be even harder to start again. I’m hoping that the exercise will help me get break the cycle, so far, it doesn’t seem to be working, but in the end it’s worth it. If nothing else, I always feel better after a workout. 

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Jamie M
    Oct 25, 2016 @ 22:22:24

    What you are describing has been me much of my life. I would wake up looking forward to my naps. I actually told people my hobby was napping. It’s frustrating for sure. I hope it gets better for you soon. 😦

    Reply

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